Sohma Isuzu (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marezydoats) wrote2016-07-09 12:38 am
marezydoats) wrote2016-07-09 12:38 amEntry tags:
A Post of Memory Writeups
Memories within the comments
marezydoats) wrote2016-07-09 12:38 am
"APOLOGIZE TO RIN!" (Vol 14 Ch 79) (cw implied child abuse)
You will forgive me, won't you? We can go back to the way things were, can't we?
You don't feel well. You barely have any energy for the next step towards home, towards... It's home. It's home, or it once was, and maybe it can be again one day. If you're good. You just have to be good, and good girls don't get sick, don't do anything to try and anger their parents. And you want to be good so bad.
"Ugh... Uh...!"
But there's a blinding pain in your stomach and you can't keep yourself upright anymore. You've collapsed on the street, all your energy spent on that bright, blinding pain. Dimly, you see a pair of shoes.
"Hmm.... That's good."
White hair and warm brown eyes fill your vision.
"You're conscious. Wait right here. Shihan... Shihan."
Before this happened.... there were a few times we played together. Yes, he was two years younger than you, but Hatsuharu's soft white hair and cute expressions warmed your heart.
You wake up in a hospital, words blurring into your awareness slowly.
"Although she looks fine on the outside... Inside, her body's a mess. If only the people around her had noticed it sooner. Surely she's been showing symptoms now for some time. For now, I think it's best that she stay at the hospital. I will talk it over with her parents. In case that we don't see any improvement—"
A man glances over towards you as the doctor's voice cuts off. It seems they've noticed you're awake. The man walks over to you with a warm smile.
"Hello... Isuzu. How are you feeling? We're in the hospital."
"...Who are you?" you ask groggily.
"Sohma Kazuma. You might know me better as Sohma Kyou's foster father. Do you remember? You fainted and Hatsuharu found you."
You sit up abruptly. "I have to go home," you say urgently. "I have to go back home!"
Kazuma places his hand gently on your shoulder. "I have already contacted your parents. I must talk to them about what happened. Isuzu... you must rest."
There's a sick sense of panic welling in you, and you try not to vomit. "Wh-why.... STOP IT! WHY!?! STOP IT! LEAVE US ALONE!! It's because I'm bad... It's my fault! I have to go home...!!"
Before things are beyond repair. You don't say the words aloud, but they reveberate within your heart.
"It's fine." A cool, familiar voice. Mother. "You don't have to come home anymore. It's fine. Go somewhere where I won't see you anymore. Because I just don't know anymore. I don't know how to love you anymore."
The world stopped. Surely it stopped, because all you could hear were those words."You don't have to come home. You don't have to come home. We don't need you."
"Why...?" A small boy's voice cut through the horrified misery. "How can she say things like that so easily? If we hear that from our parents, what are we supposed to do?"
You looked over at Haru. He's gone Black, you can see it in his eyes and the way he holds himself.
"Rin thinks she's been 'bad,'" Haru continues. "But who do you think is the one who's being bad here!?! Having people take their anger out on us, being laughed at... not being taken seriously. We kids get hurt just like you do!"
"Haru..." Kazuma said, holding Haru back— lest he go after your mother, you think.
"Why can't you understand something so simple?!"
"Haru—"
"APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE...! APOLOGIZE TO RIN!!"
The door closes.
"HEY!! I TOLD YOU TO APOLOGIZE!!"
"Haru..." your voice is weak, soft. The tears won't stop streaming down your cheeks. "Thank... you..."
There's a world of sorrow and anger in his eyes, too, as the tears form in them.
"Is it true that you and Hatsuharu are dating each other?" (Vol 14 Ch 79) (cw violence, abuse)
The words hang in the air for a moment. You stand, frozen in shock and horror, your long black hair whipping in the breeze. A small young man stands before you, wearing a yukata and staring at you with a calm expression. Somehow, that serene calmness fills you with even more terror.
"Is it true you and Hatsuharu are seeing each other?"
You don't move. You can't move. The terror has wrapped itself around your vocal cords, around your limbs.
"Look at you, so concerned," the young man said. Akito said. "When you do something, you really do it. How dreadful."
Your mind is running at a thousand terrified thoughts a second. How...? How did he find out?! Did he see something? Or.. ...did someone...?
"This is why I hate women," Akito continued, his tone vaguely disgusted. "They're cunning. Even long, black, trailing hair... ...makes me sick."
You don't know what to say to that, honestly. I'm scared of Akito. His speech, his actions... everything. I can't disobey. I shrink back. I can't help it.
"So...?" Akito approaches you, a look of curiousity on his face. "Which of you instigated it? Hatsuharu? You? Which one of you will incur my displeasure?" Akito touches his left eye. "Eh...? You see, when I get mad, I can't really see what's around me. Hatori's left eye— that was... unfortunate."
There's a fresh surge of terror that frees you from your bonds.
"Me... It was me!" you cry out desperately. "I started it, obviously!"
Obviously... Of course not. But if you tell him that, the consequences will be....
You see stars as Akito's hand strikes your face with a sharp, vicious slap. "Women really are disgusting." For a moment, you're not sure if it's Akito or Mom speaking. "You're shameless... Why do you lay your hands on my things?"
You have nothing to say. You're bent over, barely registering his words. Her words? No, it's not Mom.. this is Akito... You can't focus. You're slipping, lost in your own fear.
"Or maybe... you think you've beaten me?' You vaguely get the impression of someone gripping the front of your school uniform. "...Are you listening?"
You try to speak, but all that comes out is a small, terrified noise.
"...Ah? Oh... Ah ha ha! Oh, I see!" You get the vague impression that you're leaning against the open window of the room you've been standing in. There's a cool spring breeze.
Akito giggles. "Heh heh.. You're pathetic. Ah ha ha ha! You... You're rotten to the core." You freeze as Akito spills out the words you've always kept in your heart. Things you didn't want to be true, but always thought they might be.
"You're completely hopeless. Not even being with Hatsuharu can save you. Your darkness will eat through Hatsuharu. You need to know of how little value you are. You're just here to make the numbers match up. Don't you ever forget that!"
Akito's hands are wrapped lightly around your slim neck. It wouldn't be enough to bruise, but it's enough that you can't forget it. His hands slip to your shoulders.
"You... are not needed."
There are echoes of your dad in your head. We don't need you. The tears fill your eyes, and you're vaguely aware of being pushed out of the window. It's a long fall— you were on the second floor.
But Haru did want me. There was someone who wanted me... even though I had been told that I was unwanted. I'm happy... What a happy thing. I was happy. Thank you. I'm happy. But... that's enough. Haru... this time... you have to be happy, Haru. I'll release you... From me. From Akito. From everything that binds you. I want to release you. Haru, your true happines.... See, it's in a bigger world. I'll look for it. I'll find it. Because it's okay for it to end with nothing left in my hands.
As you slip from consciousness, pain exploding from your back, your resolve strengthens.
"Do you want to kiss?" "Why?" "Because I love you." (Vol 14 Ch 79)
No.
I can't.
A love from someone like me would be twisted.
"Rin. Will you kiss me?"
Haru is sitting next to you on the small couch in his house, looking contemplative. A book rests on your lap. Neither of you had gotten out of your school uniforms yet. You enjoyed the quiet time together, studying together despite the difference in school years.
But the words that he said baffle you in a way that nothing he's said ever has before.
"Wh— Why...?" The word slips out of your mouth, genuinely confused.
The look that he gives you in response sears you, a warm feeling that you're entirely unfamiliar with filling you to your core. "Because I love you."
You're certain your face has to be red, hot flames searing your cheeks. "We— We can't...! A-Akito will get mad..."
Hatori. The name slips unbidden into your mind, the stories of how he went to ask their head of family for permission to marry and he— Hatori's eye....
But Haru stares at you pensively now. "But if you ended up with another guy just because of that... I wouldn't be able to bear it." Then his eyes grow uncertain. "Or... would you prefer another man?"
Another man? "Of- of course not! I- Haru, I..."
I like you. I love you, Haru. I'm no good without you, Haru. When you're gone, Haru, I'm so uneasy, I can't keep myself together. It has to be you, Haru. Leaning on you... Relying on you... Wanting you, Haru. Wanting everything about you. My desire increases and increases. A "love" like that seemed like it would someday crush you, Haru. If Haru started to hate me and was gone...
The uncertain look is still in his eyes, and he looks away from you. "Do you think I'm pitying you?"
"No... No, I don't." He alone had never pitied you. He knew you would hate that, and it's not who he is.
"I love you... So I want you, Rin." He cups your cheek with his hand, moving his face close enough to kiss. And you want to. You've wanted to, so badly, for so long. "Do you not want me, Rin? Do you not want to be with me?"
You feel the tears forming in your eyes, and you press your cheek into his hand. And the next thing you know, the two of you are kissing. It's your first kiss, probably the first for either of you... And though you've never let yourself think of kissing him before, never dared to, you think that anything you might have imagined would pale to reality.
Reason has no effect. I love him too much. Even though I think it's wrong...
I don't want to let it go.
The play came to an end. (Vol 14 Ch 78) [cw child abuse]
You sit at the dinner table, kicking your legs freely. There was a question burning inside you. You'd thought of it after that woman spoke to you about how happy your family was, the lady with the long hair that you didn't recognize but knew to be family.
"Why? Why do Papa and Mama always seem to be having so much fun? Are you really having fun? Isn't there anything that makes you sad?"
Papa and Mama continued to smile at you for a moment, but then the smiles slipped from their faces.
With just that one question...
Slowly, rage morphed Mama's face into something you don't recognize. She knocks the food off the table and bowls come crashing to the ground.
"WHO DO YOU THINK WE'RE DOING THIS FOR!?!" Mama grabs the end of the table and flips it over. "WHO DO YOU THINK WE TRY SO HARD FOR EVERY SINGLE DAY?! GIVE ME A BREAK!!"
You stare at the shattered bowls, lost and confused.
...the play came to an end.
Later that evening, you stand in the darkened hallway in front of their door. You're clutching a rag doll, a pretty one of a girl with a smiling face. It's your favourite doll.
"Mama...." your voice comes out plaintively. "Mama, papa.... I'm sorry...."
The door opens.
Even though they hated me...
The light streams out and you look up with hope in your heart.
Even though I was a burden... they pushed themselves.
Mama isn't looking at you, but Papa reaches out.
They were always pushing themselves. They pushed themselves.... they broke. And could never go back.
Papa's hand grips your hair tightly.
They said they didn't really want me.
Sneaking into Akito's room for "that thing". (Vol 18 Ch 106)
"Behind the door. What is that?"
"Treasure... Bring that thing to me, and I will tell you a way to break the curse."
It's with that conversation still ringing in your mind that you make your way quietly to Akito's room. You made sure he was not there before you approached it, knowing you could never grab "that" while he was there. It's stealing, and you know it's wrong— it's especially wrong to steal from Akito— but....
Haru... Haru... White hair and gentle brown eyes flash in your mind, and you smile to yourself as your hands grab hold of the mysterious box. Haru will be able to find happiness....
And then you feel a hand touching yours, and your blood runs cold. You turn your head, but you already know what you're going to see.
Akito looks angrier than you've ever seen him.
Akito was angry.... Very angry.
Was it Mom? Or Akito? How scary....
He drags you with him to the Cat's Room, though it's not like you really fought him. Akito is the one person you cannot disobey, your limbs freezing at the thought. He is the God that the cursed part of you yearns for, that terrifies you with his hate even before this moment. You knew better, you knew better than to make him angry.
You knew better.
And when you're curled on the ground, your long hair in his hands, he looks down on you with disdain evident in his every feature— in the cold look in his eyes, the sneer on his lips, the tense way he holds himself as he's standing above you.
"I don't ever want to see you," Akito says, his tone heavy with its finality. "Which is better? Letting you out or blinding Haru?"
He starts chopping at your hair roughly with a pair of scissors, snip snip snip as long hanks fall to the ground.
"....You want to see if I'm serious?"
And he turns his back on you and walks away.
No... Don't do that. I will stay here forever.This was the chance to find out. Sorry, Haru. I'm still useless, can't even do a simple thing.
You surely don't need such a me.
This was your new eternity, these four walls. No Akito, no Haru, nothing but you and your thoughts. Nothing but running your failures through your head, every mistake, every pathetic move on your part. The price for leaving was too much to bear. You sit among the discarded clippings of your hair, bitterness rising in you until you can bear it no longer and you scream, scream, scream your despair out.
And there's no one to hear you.